


I just want to feel alright (please)

by kyo1



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Concerned Everyone, Concerned Sugawara, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Depression, Haikyuu - Freeform, Hinata Shouyou Needs a Hug, Hinata Shouyou deserves better, Hinata is in pain, Hurt, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, I will add tags as I go, Implied/Referenced Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Karasuno Volleyball, Mentions of Suicide, Other, Protective Karasuno Volleyball Club, Sad Hinata Shouyou, Sad Sugawara Koushi, Suga is trying, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, but bc of Hinata, everyone is hurt, failed suicide attempts, suicidal idealization, tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 01:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29991951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo1/pseuds/kyo1
Summary: Hinata woke up with a scream caught in his throat. He curled up, trying to rid of the pain.He shouldn’t be alive.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Karasuno Volleyball Club, Hinata Shouyou & Nishinoya Yuu, Hinata Shouyou & Sawamura Daichi, Hinata Shouyou & Sugawara Koushi, Hinata Shouyou & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 15
Kudos: 51





	1. But this is how it goes

**Author's Note:**

> TW Suicide
> 
> Sup y’all , hope you guys are doing well, i hope y’all ate and drank water. If you guys are ever feeling like this ,, please talk to someone

Hinata woke up with a scream caught in his throat. His heart was racing and blood pumping all around him. He darted his eyes around, trying to adjust to the darkness of the room. A shooting pain came from his stomach and he fell back on to his bed. 

He curled up, trying to rid of the pain. Trying to ease it. He looked up to the ceiling, and with teary eyes, he cursed whatever god was up there, if there was any to begin with. 

He clenched tighter and closed his eyes. He counted to ten, and opened them again. Desperately wanting the scenery to change. 

He shouldn’t be alive. 

After opening his eyes, and slowly sitting back up, Hinata looked across his messy room, although it was more tidy than usual. His eyes landed on the note laid across his desk, his messy handwriting written on to each line. 

From the bed, he could still make out all the words on that paper. He saw all the apologies , and he felt the pain radiating from it. He noticed the pen laying next to the paper, open and just thrown on top of the desk. 

He looked to his side, and stared at his reflection. His hair was shooting up in different directions, and he noticed how his chest heaved with every breath he took. 

It was evident, at least judging by the reflection, that he was shaking. Shaking like a dying leaf hanging on to it’s tree in a windy autumn day. His eyes unfocused. His breathing slowed. His heart rate was calming down, feeling as if he’d just ran a marathon. He closed his eyes once again and strained his neck upwards. 

“ _Fuck_ ” he cursed with so much venom. A tear making it’s way down his temple, falling into his ginger hair. 

He wiped it harshly and laid back down. 

Hours flew by as he laid awake. The sun rising and illuminating his room. After hours of being still and stiff, he turned to look at his clock. It was lunchtime. Meaning he had missed half of school already.

He gets up and makes his bed. He tidied up his desk. Hinata sat on his floor, limbs sprawled out. He listened as the house breathed. It was quiet and slow, nothing out of the usual. 

It seemed like nobody knew. Not even the house. Not even the four walls enclosing his room where he was in right now. 

Nobody knew what he had tried. 

He walked slowly to the bathroom. Thankful that the pain in his stomach has relented just enough for him to make it to the toilet to throw up in time. 

He emptied himself out so much that as some point he thought he was throwing up himself. With shaky hands he wiped off the spit on his chin, on shaky knees he got up and stood straight, and with shaky fingers he grasped the handle and flushed the toilet. 

He washed his hands, and turned up to stare his reflection once again. Noticing the dark eyes bags and melancholic gaze. 

With a tired body and aching soul, he walked back to his room and got ready. 

He walked out of the house, bags in hand, on his way to school. His head was pounding slightly, a constant reminder of what he had done. He shook himself awake a bit more , and walked in to school. 

He took the rest of his classes, and got ready for volleyball practice, dressing up in the bathrooms. 

When he walked in to the gym, his posture was slumped and his face devoid of his usual emotion.  _Happiness_.

Nobody mentioned anything, at first, but they looked at him in concern. 

Kageyama laying off of their usual bickering, noticing the horrible mood Hinata was in. 

They all finished practice quite early. Hinata too utterly exhausted to try to function to at least have a small sense of normality. And everyone too worried to be at their best of their abilities. 

Suga was the first one to approach him. He gently walked over and placed his soft hand on Hinatas shoulder. His eyes helped a poorly concealed sadness as he asked what was wrong. 

Hinata merely shrugged, too tired. 

Nishinoya jumped in and quickly asked again what was wrong. Not trying to hide anything and show that everyone was actually extremely confused and worried. 

“It didn’t work” That’s all Hinata said. Even so, he had whispered it. 

Just three words. Yet they carried so much emotion everyone blinked in surprised, their worry doubling. They felt all pain and exhaustion those words carried. All the tears that have been cried, and all the yells that have been screamed out. They felt the weight of those simple three words. 

“Hinata-“ Daichi started, but stopped. Not knowing what to say. 

Yamaguchi stepped in and timidly asked. “Hinata?...what happened?” he said. 

Hinata took a deep breath and held it for five seconds. Exhaling. “It didn’t  _ work _ ” he said once again. 

Suga looked at him in the eyes. His eyes showing everything he was feeling. “What didn’t work?” he asked. Not knowing that with those words he’d open a door that had been locked for far to long. 

Hinata stared back, his eyes watered. And suddenly he found his knees buckling from beneath him, sending him kneeling on the ground. Suga followed him, hands gripping Hinatas arms tightly in support. 

Everyone stepped forward, but stopped when they heard the guttural sob coming from within their teammate. 

“It d-didn’t work. I-I-I’m still here” Hinata sobbed harshly, gripping onto Sugas jersey as if his life depended on it. 

“Hinata I- ...what didn’t work?” Suga asked once again. Part of him now wishes he didn’t. Denial is cunning. 

With broken sobs, Hinata muttered his dark secret. He whispered how he had tried to kill himself the night before, and failed. 

All everyone could do was stair at the pair on the floor. Watch as Sugas eyes widened with tears and how his arms enveloped Hinatas shaking and crying frame desperately. As if he were to ever let go, Hinata would too. 

They watched as their teammate became undone right in front of their eyes. They watched as he crumbled and fell apart right on the very floor they were standing on. They watched and they watched. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing what to do to make it better. Not knowing if they  _ could _ make it better. 

“W-Why d-d-didnt it work?” Hinata cried into Sugas steady chest. Feelings loving arms hold him as he was cracking through the seams. 

Suga took a breath. “Because it wasn’t meant to. Y-You’re not supposed to d-die Hinata” he said, having a hard time even spitting out the words. “You deserve to live. You deserve to love. You deserve to be loved” he added. “That’s why it didn’t work” 

“It hurts” he cried. 

“I know” he soothed. 

“So bad” he cried harder. 

“Please, i know Hinata, i know. It’s okay” he hugged him a little tighter. 

Suga looked up in desperation, seeing the distraught faces of all his other teammates. People he consider family. He saw them as he held Hinata. A tired boy, too tired for his own good. 

“I can’t keep living like this” Hinata whispered. Resignation seeping through his words. Showing how he’s fought for too long, too hard and is too tired. How he’s already given up. 

“We will help. And you will get better” Kageyama said, sniffling softly at the end. Staring at the young boy who’s head tucked inside Sugas embrace.

“I wanted to die” 

“I know” 

“I  _ want _ to die” 

“I know Shouyou. I know” Suga said, the use of Hinatas first name causing his chest to tighten with emotions. 

“Please- Please” Hinata begged. Pleading, clawing at the back of Sugas shirt once again. 

“ _ God _ ” He sighed. “Please  _help me_ ”


	2. It hurts when it doesn’t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An important conversation with Coach Ukai and Takeda ensues. 
> 
> The team however, is still trying to process everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Suicide talk, mentions of failed suicide attempts, depression and unhealthy coping mechanisms 
> 
> Hii guys , thanks for all the love in that first chapter !! It’s insane hdjdksks. Pls excuse my spelling errors last chapter , i wrote it at night and published it on a whim and didn’t know how many people would read it, as i normally don’t get too much readers the first night of uploading. But anyways thanks y’all , enjoy this chapter

After basically bawling his eyes out in front of everyone he looks up to, Suga had told him that they had to tell someone.

With a desperate look Hinata tried to convince Suga that, no, he doesn’t need to tell anyone. But he just shakes his head softly and sighs. Telling him that he needs professional help.

Hinata is inside of the gym when he hears the shriek of surprise coming from outside the door. The rest of his teammates awkwardly standing close to him, yet too nervous to actually approach him. 

From the sound of the shriek, he already knows it’s Takeda-sensei. 

A few seconds later, the door busts opened and teary-eyed Takeda runs in, he immediately makes his way towards Hinata and hugs him. 

Hinata sighed into the hug, finding comfort in the older man. 

“We uh need to talk Hinata” Takeda says after letting him go, Coach Ukai standing close to the pair. 

“Would you like to be alone, or want someone to go with you?” Coach said, voice hoarse in an attempt to keep his own tears at bay. 

Hinata didn’t even have to think. “C-Can someone come with me?” he said hesitantly. 

Coach Ukai looked around, but in a split second Suga raised his hand. “I’ll go- if that’s comfortable with Hinata” he added, looking at the redhead for confirmation.

Hinata nodded, and the four of them walked out the gym. 

“Okay what the fuck” Tanaka had croaked out in disbelief right after the door closed. Tears staining his cheeks.

Everyone fiddled nervously, the silence ringing loud in the gym. 

“I knew- I knew _something_ had to be happening since he was acting so just- so different. But I-I thought maybe he was sad because a grade. Not the s-suicidal type” Kageyama broke the silence. His hands were gripped in tight fists, and his posture was straight and stiff. If someone didn’t know him, they might’ve mistaken him to be mad, but the hitch in his breath, the tear streaks, and his slack expression all gave away to what he was truly feeling. 

_Sadness and guilt._

_“_ Dont blame yourself Kageyama. No one saw it coming...” Asahi muttered. 

“I should’ve noticed though! I’m supposed to be his senpai and i just-“ Noya sniffled. “I didn’t see it” 

Daichi sighed. “He hid it well. We all know he’s all smiles and laughs. Of course we wouldn’t think anything was wrong. There’s no need to take blame okay?” he said, everyone hesitantly nodding. 

~~  
  


”Hinata...you know you could’ve talked to us right? We’re always here for you. Not just as coaches, but as people who can help” Takeda said, looking at Hinata. 

They had gone to an empty classroom to talk. Coach Ukai and Takeda sitting in front of Suga and Hinata. 

“I just...part of me didn’t want help” Hinata said softly, thankful for Sugas comforting hand holding his. 

Ukai looked at Takeda , and then back at Hinata. “Why didnt you want help kid? Don’t you want to feel better?”

”Now i do. But before i tried to...you know, i didn’t want help. I wanted to die” Hinata looked down. “I was scared of getting help. I found comfort in feeling the way i was”

”Why?”

”Because it hurts when it doesn’t” he sniffled, fiddling with his hands. 

“Hinat-“

”It’s just-“ Hinata started, cutting himself off to gather his thoughts. “When i don’t feel like this. I don’t feel. Well maybe i do, but i don’t. It’s like Im- Im a void. There’s just nothing. I don’t know i am, and what i’m doing. I lose track of time and i-i don’t like that” 

“So when i feel like this. When i feel like-like dying. It’s the only moment i feel the most alive” Hinata added in a whisper. “Especially if it’s by my own hand. I’m in control.”

Takeda stared at him , a frown tugging at his lips. “But you can work to control other aspects about your life”

”It’s not about having control sensei. It’s about losing it” Hinata replied. 

“What do you mean Hinata?” Suga tilted his head as he asked Hinata.

”I’m not in control. But i also am. I cant control what’s around me, and that’s fine. I can control what happens to me. What i can do to feel the way i want to. I can control what happens to me” Hinata sighed. “For years i wanted control, and i got it when i started to be self destructive, and now that i- don’t wanna be alive anymore- i want to lose it.” he said. “It’s like being set free from a cage”

Ukai had tears in his eyes. “What do you mean ‘you started to be self destructive’ ?” he asked in worry. 

Hinata shuffled uncomfortable, avoiding their eyes. “You know...self destructive behavior...” 

“Hinata” Suga looked pointedly at Hinata, urging him to continue and that no one would judge him.

”It’s nothing” He said. Noticing how not one person in the room believed him.

Suga grabbed his hands and rubbed it soothingly. “You can trust us”. 

The red head sighed. “Just...you know...cutting and uh skipping meals sometimes...” he admitted softly. 

Somehow, everyone’s heart broke more at the boys words. 

“I’ll need to call you mom Hinata” Takeda broke the silence. 

“I...honestly don’t think she’d care all that much” Hinata responded. “She’s rarely home. Anyone is rarely home. She doesn’t care about me” 

“You’ve been living alone?!” Ukai exclaimed in surprise. 

“She started going on business trips my second year of middle school. She’s gone for four months at time. But she’s been gone for more than six months this year” he said sadly. 

“I don’t feel comfortable with you going home alone tonight Hinata” 

~~  
  


”Thanks for uhm, coming with me i guess” Hinata said as he looked to the tall boy next to him. 

“No problem dumbass” Kageyama said with no heat behind it. 

They kept walking towards Hinatas house. Kageyamas mom already alerted of the situation. 

They walked side by side. In a tense unusual silence. Normally they would bicker playfully or talk about whatever came to mind. But it seemed like no one knew the right words to say. 

The both of them kept stealing glances at each other. Kicking rocks to replace the silence. 

“You...you could’ve talked to me” Kageyama started. “I don’t- I don’t blame you for not telling us. It has to be...i don’t know , you know, scary or whatever. But still. I’ll always be here” he said, not daring to look at Hinatas form. 

“Thank you. And i’m- i’m sorry. I know i should’ve said something.” Hinata said as he nervously rubbed the back of his neck. 

“The past is in the past. But if you’re....feeling that way...again...talk to us okay?” Kageyama replied. 

“Okay, thanks bakayama” Hinata smiled slightly. 

“You dumbass!”

The pair made it towards Hinata house. The night was stary and very cold. Both of them rushing inside to feel warm. 

Hinata reheated some leftovers from the previous day, and they both sat and ate. They had some casual conversation, but it was obvious they were avoiding the big subject. 

Awkwardly going through dinner, Hinata then washed the dishes and proceeded to tell Kageyama he was going to take a shower, and he was welcomed to his room if he wanted to. 

Kageyama walked towards Hinatas room and sat on the bed. He looked around the room. It looked like Hinatas room, but at the same time it looked like a stranger lived there. 

He sighed and threw himself onto his back. He looked up to the ceiling and felt tears brimming in his eyes. 

He cursed himself for not noticing Hinatas deteriorating mental health. Hell, he sees him almost everyday and spends time with him even before and after practice. 

He did notice _something_. But he had dismissed it. He understands that part of it was denial. Denial that no, Hinata couldn’t feel this way. Hinata was always happy, right? He was supposed to be happy. So why was he hurting so bad?

What pushed him over the edge? More so, what has been pushing him over the edge? 

Has he been there for a long time? Was this sudden? Was it slowly building up? , filling his cup until it overflowed?

Kageyama didn’t know. What he did know was that a future without Hinata wouldn’t ever be the same. 

They’d promise each other to one day beat the other. Yet they also promised to always be there for each other. 

Maybe it was just a petty promise. Something because they both desperately wanted to play. And they needed someone else. 

Part of him hoped it was more than that. But part of him also wishes it wasn’t more because this would hurt way worse. 

He turned his head to side and sighed. He opened his eyes and saw Hinatas desk. A piece of paper caught his eye. He got up, and after confirming that the water was still running, he walked up to it and took a peak. 

His heart froze and his stomach dropped. 

It was his suicide note. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe and take care of yourself! 💗 pls excuse any errors i made lol, i finished this during math so i’ll proofread later lol. i accidentally posted it before finishing the proofread, so let’s just pray that my writing is naturally grammatically correct 😩

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this first chapter. If you have any requests, don’t be shy to comment , if not then you can comment anything else lol


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